Lockdown Day 7 (June 17, 2007)
I wake up at 7.00 a.m. I start my workput. I do a few sit-ups and push ups. I get side tracked watching tv. Around 7.50 a.m. count check. We off lockdown. Free at last free at last thank GOD almighty we are free at last.
Time to shower.
Friday, August 17, 2007
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Learn from experience or educate yourself
Lockdown Day 6 (June 16, 2007)
In life you learn from experience. The vicissitudes of life prepare and propel us into manhood. However, in prison there are no life experiences. Everything is structured and routine. If one does not take the time for self development, he is doomed.
Imagine this conundrum, a boy comes to prison at the age of 17. Stays in prison until he is 40 and then is paroled and still is at the age of 17. Physically he is 40 but mentally he is still 17. He still desires the things he did as a child. From the clothes he desires, to the music to the women! I had one homie tell me when he get out, he is going to spring break! I almost died laughing inside because he was serious...
The only way to solve this problem is self development. The state can put all the school classes inside the prison it wants. Until the individual takes time for self development, he can not progress. Most guys go to school only for bragging rights. They do not attempt to retain the knowledge they are taught. As Dante said: "There is not knowledge without retention".
In life you learn from experience. The vicissitudes of life prepare and propel us into manhood. However, in prison there are no life experiences. Everything is structured and routine. If one does not take the time for self development, he is doomed.
Imagine this conundrum, a boy comes to prison at the age of 17. Stays in prison until he is 40 and then is paroled and still is at the age of 17. Physically he is 40 but mentally he is still 17. He still desires the things he did as a child. From the clothes he desires, to the music to the women! I had one homie tell me when he get out, he is going to spring break! I almost died laughing inside because he was serious...
The only way to solve this problem is self development. The state can put all the school classes inside the prison it wants. Until the individual takes time for self development, he can not progress. Most guys go to school only for bragging rights. They do not attempt to retain the knowledge they are taught. As Dante said: "There is not knowledge without retention".
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
How prison works
Day 5 (June 15, 2007)
Today I end my fast. Ironically I am not even hungry. I found out that orange crush (a tact unit consisting of correctional officers) came to the institution to conduct a shakedown. It is rumored that they assaulted some inmates. I kind of saw that coming. For 1) it would be retaliation which is very common in prison, and for 2) the trigger-happy-syndrome (as I call it).
This is where a policeman is trained and overtrained to use his weapon and never has the chance to put his skills to use. He then creates the opportunity himself and tends to overreact. The same happens with these tact units. When they come in, an inmate can comply all he wants but there is going to be some action. That way you have suspects (unarmed) getting shot 20-50 times while their only crime was reaching for their cell phone.
In prison any incident will be portrayed as major because the guards want to paint the prison (this one in particular) as dangerous. When there is nothing happening the guards provoke inmates into acting. This is easy when you have the majority feeling they are being oppressed.
It is good thing I never gave in to the "racism or conspiracy theory" common among black prisoners. Yes racism does play a role in our justice system. However America is growing more classicist than racist. Justice is extended as far as your money can stretch.
Once you are in prison you are sure to encounter racism. This is because 70 to 80 percent of the prisoners are black and 90 to 100 percent of the prison personnel is white. Most come from rural areas and have never been around blacks. They come to work with preconceived notions about blacks (what they see on the news or on tv) and they come to prison to see the creme de la creme of society's misfits - which happen to be mostly blacks.
Toward the end of the day I think about my freedom and what I have to do to become successful. I end the day on thinking on that note.
Today I end my fast. Ironically I am not even hungry. I found out that orange crush (a tact unit consisting of correctional officers) came to the institution to conduct a shakedown. It is rumored that they assaulted some inmates. I kind of saw that coming. For 1) it would be retaliation which is very common in prison, and for 2) the trigger-happy-syndrome (as I call it).
This is where a policeman is trained and overtrained to use his weapon and never has the chance to put his skills to use. He then creates the opportunity himself and tends to overreact. The same happens with these tact units. When they come in, an inmate can comply all he wants but there is going to be some action. That way you have suspects (unarmed) getting shot 20-50 times while their only crime was reaching for their cell phone.
In prison any incident will be portrayed as major because the guards want to paint the prison (this one in particular) as dangerous. When there is nothing happening the guards provoke inmates into acting. This is easy when you have the majority feeling they are being oppressed.
It is good thing I never gave in to the "racism or conspiracy theory" common among black prisoners. Yes racism does play a role in our justice system. However America is growing more classicist than racist. Justice is extended as far as your money can stretch.
Once you are in prison you are sure to encounter racism. This is because 70 to 80 percent of the prisoners are black and 90 to 100 percent of the prison personnel is white. Most come from rural areas and have never been around blacks. They come to work with preconceived notions about blacks (what they see on the news or on tv) and they come to prison to see the creme de la creme of society's misfits - which happen to be mostly blacks.
Toward the end of the day I think about my freedom and what I have to do to become successful. I end the day on thinking on that note.
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
On fasting, Malcolm X and Martin Luther King
Day 4 (June 14, 2007)
Today I decide to fast. I plan only to drink fluids. Nothing builds will power more than fasting. Two of the strongest human urges are sex and food. If you can deny yourself food when hunger pangs set in, you are working your will like a muscle. After a while everything will remind you of food: tv commercials, ads in magazines, and the mundale prison meals all of a sudden become so desirable.
However, when you fight off temptation the mind becomes clearer and sharper. You tend to pay attention to the smallest detail. Since I'm in the mood I guess I'll catch up on some reading.
I come across a part in a philosophy book that says we should try to walk the path of great men. For some reason Malcolm X and Martin Luther King comes to my mind. All the brothers admire Malcolm and most look down on King. In my early days of ignorance I used to be this way.
I think the reason why the guys can relate to Malcolm is because of his background. He was a hustler, a player, a thug, a gambler. That agression was still there even when he turned his life around. He still had that toughness associated with street life.
The perception of Martin is that he was passive and a coward. However, nothing can be further from the truth. Martin was probably one of the bravest leaders we've had in the black community. It takes a lot of courage to do what he did. I can't even imagine putting myself in his shoes. With each march, each speech, each public appearance he knew his life was on the line. He never deviated from his principle of non-violence.
He still preached, he still marched, he still loved! Think about it for a minute. How much courage it took to love and pray for someone who spat in your face. The restraint it took not to react. To tame that beast that is in every man (anger - revenge) - to truly turn the other cheek. A lot of Christians preach forgiveness until it is their turn to forgive - then it becomes a subjective term. But not for Martin.
For this reason I believe he was a great man.
Today I decide to fast. I plan only to drink fluids. Nothing builds will power more than fasting. Two of the strongest human urges are sex and food. If you can deny yourself food when hunger pangs set in, you are working your will like a muscle. After a while everything will remind you of food: tv commercials, ads in magazines, and the mundale prison meals all of a sudden become so desirable.
However, when you fight off temptation the mind becomes clearer and sharper. You tend to pay attention to the smallest detail. Since I'm in the mood I guess I'll catch up on some reading.
I come across a part in a philosophy book that says we should try to walk the path of great men. For some reason Malcolm X and Martin Luther King comes to my mind. All the brothers admire Malcolm and most look down on King. In my early days of ignorance I used to be this way.
I think the reason why the guys can relate to Malcolm is because of his background. He was a hustler, a player, a thug, a gambler. That agression was still there even when he turned his life around. He still had that toughness associated with street life.
The perception of Martin is that he was passive and a coward. However, nothing can be further from the truth. Martin was probably one of the bravest leaders we've had in the black community. It takes a lot of courage to do what he did. I can't even imagine putting myself in his shoes. With each march, each speech, each public appearance he knew his life was on the line. He never deviated from his principle of non-violence.
He still preached, he still marched, he still loved! Think about it for a minute. How much courage it took to love and pray for someone who spat in your face. The restraint it took not to react. To tame that beast that is in every man (anger - revenge) - to truly turn the other cheek. A lot of Christians preach forgiveness until it is their turn to forgive - then it becomes a subjective term. But not for Martin.
For this reason I believe he was a great man.
Monday, August 13, 2007
On working out and the purpose of good and evil
Day 3 on lockdown (June 13, 2007)
I wake up around 7.30 a.m. and I feel good and relaxed. I decide to work out. I start with my sit-ups which I super-set with my push ups. I then do some dips and squats. I end the work-out by stretching. While working out I was listening to Anita Baker and Sade.
Before I get a chance to wash up, here comes room service. I am served a veggie burger (which is horrible when unseasoned), some tater-tots and mixed vegetables. I put my food in a plastic bag to warm up in my hot pot while I wash up.
After eating I start typing my letters and doing some legal work on my case. One thing I admire about myself is my resolve in fighting for my freedom. Here it is, I am into my 17th year of incarceration and I fight my case like I got convicted yesterday. After my legal work I decide to write my aunt. One thing that has been consistent in my life is her - a true diamond in the rough.
I don't know but I think GOD put people in our lives for a specific reason - even bad people. He also confronts us with certain circumstances. Everyone has a dark side - a bad part of themselves. Each individual has to get to know this side because it is a part of them. If it was not there, there would be no such thing as virtue. If there was no choice between good and bad. You cannot call your virtues virtues until you are tempted and they are put to the test. When faced with a choice of good and evil, you have to be tempted toward the evil alternative in order to act with virtues (when you choose good over evil).
4.00 p.m. I play in the mirror, looking at myself. I got a gray hair in my moustache and few in my hair. Damn that seem crazy! I was only 17 when I came to prison, now I am getting gray hair. I quickly plucked them out as a way to reclaim my youthhood. I have to smile because I don't have a wrinkle in sight and still physically feel like a teen. I guess I am 17 after all.
Time to put the mirror down.
I watch two episodes of Miami CSI. I turn my tv off around 10 p.m., turn the radio on and read my book until I fall asleep. Mayeb we'll be of tomorrow.
I wake up around 7.30 a.m. and I feel good and relaxed. I decide to work out. I start with my sit-ups which I super-set with my push ups. I then do some dips and squats. I end the work-out by stretching. While working out I was listening to Anita Baker and Sade.
Before I get a chance to wash up, here comes room service. I am served a veggie burger (which is horrible when unseasoned), some tater-tots and mixed vegetables. I put my food in a plastic bag to warm up in my hot pot while I wash up.
After eating I start typing my letters and doing some legal work on my case. One thing I admire about myself is my resolve in fighting for my freedom. Here it is, I am into my 17th year of incarceration and I fight my case like I got convicted yesterday. After my legal work I decide to write my aunt. One thing that has been consistent in my life is her - a true diamond in the rough.
I don't know but I think GOD put people in our lives for a specific reason - even bad people. He also confronts us with certain circumstances. Everyone has a dark side - a bad part of themselves. Each individual has to get to know this side because it is a part of them. If it was not there, there would be no such thing as virtue. If there was no choice between good and bad. You cannot call your virtues virtues until you are tempted and they are put to the test. When faced with a choice of good and evil, you have to be tempted toward the evil alternative in order to act with virtues (when you choose good over evil).
4.00 p.m. I play in the mirror, looking at myself. I got a gray hair in my moustache and few in my hair. Damn that seem crazy! I was only 17 when I came to prison, now I am getting gray hair. I quickly plucked them out as a way to reclaim my youthhood. I have to smile because I don't have a wrinkle in sight and still physically feel like a teen. I guess I am 17 after all.
Time to put the mirror down.
I watch two episodes of Miami CSI. I turn my tv off around 10 p.m., turn the radio on and read my book until I fall asleep. Mayeb we'll be of tomorrow.
Sunday, August 12, 2007
Illinois River lockdown
Day 2 on lockdown (June 12, 2007)
We are still on lockdown and they have compiled a list of industry workers who will be going to work (two 12 hour shifts) consisting of the first and third shift workers. I am not on the list because I am on second shift. My cellie is on the list and he'll be going to work from 6.00 a.m. to 6.00 p.m. I can really relax now and get some work down because I'll have the cell to myself.
Most prisoners look at alone time as a time to sexually gratify themselves. I don't know if you can consider this abnormal behavior under the circumstances but there is so much more than one can be doing.
So I started writing my letters. I've typed seven letters, some personal and some legal. I took my time because I was listening to some soothing music (Al Jarreau - best of). I can live without my tv but I don't think I can do without some sounds. I even went through my address book and wrote some people I have not heard from in years. They may not write back and most of the time I don't expect them to. I write to feel free. In prison there is something very special about mail (receiving more than sending). It gives you the visceral feeling that you are connected with the outside world.
Around 3.00 p.m. I stopped writing and washed up. All you can do on lock down is take a bird bath in your sink. It is hot so I have to do this a minimum of twice a day (sometimes three times). This is the only way you can maintain proper hygiene.
Aster I washed up, I fixed me a cup mixed with cappucino. I can't drink black coffee to save my life. I either have to have coffee creamers or cappucino. I never smoked so I guedd I deserve to have a little indulgence.
I planned to watch tv but after flicking through the channels there is nothing on - except same ole same ole. The Iraq war news, reality shows, Law & Order. So I decided to go through my old pictures. I have over 400 pictures. As I look through them, I think about how long I've been locked up. I come to my grandmother's pictures. She passed away in 1998. That was a very low point in my incarceration. Damn, I miss her so much. I often pretend she is watching me especially when I struggle with making a bad decision as opposed to doing the right thing - she never steered me wrong.
I end the day in deep thought and read my philosophy book until I fall asleep. Maybe we'll get off tomorrow.
We are still on lockdown and they have compiled a list of industry workers who will be going to work (two 12 hour shifts) consisting of the first and third shift workers. I am not on the list because I am on second shift. My cellie is on the list and he'll be going to work from 6.00 a.m. to 6.00 p.m. I can really relax now and get some work down because I'll have the cell to myself.
Most prisoners look at alone time as a time to sexually gratify themselves. I don't know if you can consider this abnormal behavior under the circumstances but there is so much more than one can be doing.
So I started writing my letters. I've typed seven letters, some personal and some legal. I took my time because I was listening to some soothing music (Al Jarreau - best of). I can live without my tv but I don't think I can do without some sounds. I even went through my address book and wrote some people I have not heard from in years. They may not write back and most of the time I don't expect them to. I write to feel free. In prison there is something very special about mail (receiving more than sending). It gives you the visceral feeling that you are connected with the outside world.
Around 3.00 p.m. I stopped writing and washed up. All you can do on lock down is take a bird bath in your sink. It is hot so I have to do this a minimum of twice a day (sometimes three times). This is the only way you can maintain proper hygiene.
Aster I washed up, I fixed me a cup mixed with cappucino. I can't drink black coffee to save my life. I either have to have coffee creamers or cappucino. I never smoked so I guedd I deserve to have a little indulgence.
I planned to watch tv but after flicking through the channels there is nothing on - except same ole same ole. The Iraq war news, reality shows, Law & Order. So I decided to go through my old pictures. I have over 400 pictures. As I look through them, I think about how long I've been locked up. I come to my grandmother's pictures. She passed away in 1998. That was a very low point in my incarceration. Damn, I miss her so much. I often pretend she is watching me especially when I struggle with making a bad decision as opposed to doing the right thing - she never steered me wrong.
I end the day in deep thought and read my philosophy book until I fall asleep. Maybe we'll get off tomorrow.
Saturday, August 11, 2007
Prison on lockdown
Day 1 (June 11, 2007)
Today when I woke up I discovered we are on lock down. I did not know what for but I know it had something to do with a security issue. The C/O announced on the intercom that there will be no visits and no job assignments will be going out. This means a level 1 lock down - which is the highest level.
Being in prison you become accustomed to lock downs. They are just as predictable as they are unpredictable.
In a way I was looking forward to a brief lockdown, to break the monotony of prison norms. I've had a lot of my mind lately and needed a little time to sort it all out.
Lock downs can be a blessing for some and a curse to others. On lockdown you can take advantage of the opportunity to steal a moment of peace. You can catch up on some reading, write letters, make plans and just relax.
If you are on lockdown for too long, it can be a curse if you are not a cultivated person. Ennui can set in and idle time becomes the devil's workshop: anger, fear, anxiety, lust etc... all the negative emotions can get a hold of you. You become imprisoned within a prison. I know because I've been there.
During lockdown you reflect on the past. I've been locked up so long I really don't think about the streets too much. I mostly reflect on prison life and how the prisons used to be run. We were allowed to go on family picnics, we could take pictures and the programs, MAN the programs!
We used to be able to earn a four year college degree. We had study lines, drama classes, talent shows etc. Now those days are gone and everything is a routine (a true human warehouse).
So what should I do on day one. I decided to keep a journal and write down my thoughts. Later I'll watch some tv and read a few chapters in my philosophy book.
Today when I woke up I discovered we are on lock down. I did not know what for but I know it had something to do with a security issue. The C/O announced on the intercom that there will be no visits and no job assignments will be going out. This means a level 1 lock down - which is the highest level.
Being in prison you become accustomed to lock downs. They are just as predictable as they are unpredictable.
In a way I was looking forward to a brief lockdown, to break the monotony of prison norms. I've had a lot of my mind lately and needed a little time to sort it all out.
Lock downs can be a blessing for some and a curse to others. On lockdown you can take advantage of the opportunity to steal a moment of peace. You can catch up on some reading, write letters, make plans and just relax.
If you are on lockdown for too long, it can be a curse if you are not a cultivated person. Ennui can set in and idle time becomes the devil's workshop: anger, fear, anxiety, lust etc... all the negative emotions can get a hold of you. You become imprisoned within a prison. I know because I've been there.
During lockdown you reflect on the past. I've been locked up so long I really don't think about the streets too much. I mostly reflect on prison life and how the prisons used to be run. We were allowed to go on family picnics, we could take pictures and the programs, MAN the programs!
We used to be able to earn a four year college degree. We had study lines, drama classes, talent shows etc. Now those days are gone and everything is a routine (a true human warehouse).
So what should I do on day one. I decided to keep a journal and write down my thoughts. Later I'll watch some tv and read a few chapters in my philosophy book.
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